Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A Memorial to Katheryn by David

This is what I said at Katie's memorial...

Today is not an occasion fraught with the shock and awful sadness of the last time we were all together. It is an opportunity to remember Katie with love and happiness.

Something that I have felt – and has been expressed to me many times in the past year - is regret: regret that we only knew her for a short time; regret that we didn’t say everything we wanted to; regret that we took her for granted or didn’t do more to know her. These feelings are natural and human but it is important to remember that none of us had enough time to do any of those things. Now is the time to let go of such thoughts. Today we have an opportunity to look back together and remember her with fondness. Then we can look forward, keep those happy memories with us and forget that regret.

Katie spent most of her childhood in Albuquerque. She was surrounded and supported by an extended family – 4 aunts, one uncle, numerous cousins, her Mom Pam and stepfather Dwight, and by her Grandmother, her Nona. There was a strong Christian element to her upbringing which culminated in her doing missionary work around the U.S. and abroad. Ultimately, however, she rejected this. She moved to California to try and discover who she was on her own terms.

She studied and graduated from San Diego State University and then spent time working, travelling, dancing and having fun. When she chose to renew her studies she moved right across the U.S. to Connecticut – from the South West to the North East. This was another significant and planned rejection of her life till then. She sought to give up the party lifestyle in the pursuit of an academic career. Again she was searching for a deeper understanding of herself.

Throughout her life Katie lived with turbulence that she tried to make sense of. She kept moving on – not settling or committing – in a sense both running from and to something that she needed to understand. It is clear, with hindsight, that she found some answers in her life with us in the UK. There was a time here when, overwhelmed and uncertain, she reached a crisis point and once again faced the possibility of moving on and away. Instead she stopped and saw the beauty in what she had created around her, and chose to stay. And in that there is a great deal of happiness. She had conquered something – something within her – that until then had seemed insurmountable.

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Katie was scared of heights, and although this presented a significant challenge to her she never shied away from confronting it. It manifested itself in obvious ways, such as her reluctance to go up in a hot-air balloon when we visited Albuquerque. She did it just the same. Admittedly she clung onto me for the entire flight, staring straight out at the horizon and refusing to look down. But it also manifested itself in less obvious ways – such as her fear of escalators. She didn’t mention it at first but I realised because she would always position me on an escalator on the step below with a surprising strength and determination. After a few months, however, I noticed that she had stopped positioning me and was even able to strike up a relaxed conversation. I commented on this one day, riding up the escalator at Angel tube station and she said in a slightly hurried and direct tone “Hmmm, yes, that’s true but if you don’t mind I’d rather not talk about that right now.”

My fondest memories of Katie will always be in Paris – a city she loved so completely and which I will always associate with her. We spent many wonderful weekends exploring the bars, cafes, shops, cemeteries, museums and dance theatres. In particular I remember the boulangeries and patisseries. I cannot imagine anywhere on earth better to enjoy “tasties” – as Katie called them – fresh croissants, pain au chocolat, tarte a fraise, galletes. And there is nothing that can quite compare to enjoying a glass of wine, a coffee and a cigarette while watching the world go by in a cafe, on a boulevard, in Paris.

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The last part of what I wanted to say is this. I hope that Katie can see and hear us all today. She was a person that doubted her own abilities and importance to those that she cared about. And in the last year I have seen and heard how much people loved and valued her for all those things she doubted. It is such a strange phenomenon that it is only when someone dies that we find the time and the words to express all the love we have for them and how much they mean to us.

When Katie died I thought that she could see inside me and understood how I was feeling. But then I came to believe that I needed to express myself explicitly – by talking and writing – in order for her to have that insight. So I would encourage all of you to do the same. Don’t stop talking about her. Write on her blog, or for yourself. Send emails and write letters. And do it not just for Katie. Do it for everyone you love and everyone that matters to you. This is the most fitting legacy and tribute to Katie that I can think of.

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